Powerful Parenting

Why does parenting seem so freaking hard sometimes?

Honestly, it doesn’t have to be.

But it is for a majority of the people I know.

I see parents every day who seem to feel constantly overwhelmed, frustrated, stressed, and insecure.

A lot of this is preventable, but a great deal of it comes because we are surrounded by conflicting opinions on how to parent and what that should look like. Thus, we find ourselves parenting in a conflicted and confused way, unsure of what we should do or how we should do it.

NOTHING Is so exhausting--or weakening--as indecision.

After over a decade and a half of parenting, I've learned four main principles to consider:

Intuition/Inspiration. Parenthood is a divine calling, one which you are not only entitled but expected to receive revelation for. If you have a covenant relationship with God, doesn’t it make sense that He has a few tips and ideas in store for you in raising His precious children?

Seek and act upon the personal revelation God has in store for your kids. Pray about them--daily--by name. Talk to God about your struggles and worries for them.

And then, when you’re done praying, LISTEN.

Listen for that inner voice that tells you what to do for your specific child in this specific moment. Ask what resources to consider and keep an open mind that the answers may not be what you expect.

Don't be surprised if, when you ask the question, "What more can I do for them?" the answer comes back to "Do less."

Search the scriptures for parenting experiences--(hint: every gospel story can be a Parenting story because it depicts a Perfect Parent interacting with His children), and ask what principles you could apply in your own family.

The direction you receive may look different from time to time, and that’s not only okay, but needed.

Remember that direction is given line upon line, so be patient with the process.
Seek Ye Out of the Best Books Words of Wisdom.

We can’t draw from an empty well. Inspiration often follows information. So, if this is supposed to be the most important and eternal calling you have, learn your craft.

I know many people who invest thousands of hours and dollars into learning a career or gaining a higher education, but who have never picked up a parenting book. Parenting is a natural and divine calling but that doesn’t mean it comes naturally for many (or any) of us.

Read books about parenting. Click on articles that come across your newsfeed. Listen to podcasts. And then–USE YOUR INSPIRATION to sort through the information that can be helpful for you versus the stuff that really just won’t apply to your situation or your child.

Not all information is created equally, and it will be up to you to use your discernment to decide what is worth following, what is worth investing time, energy, or focus on, and what deserves to be deleted, put down, or ignored entirely.

Most parenting books I've read have had much good information, much information that sounds helpful but feels impracticable, and some information that feels downright foolish.

That's okay.

Each child is unique, each parent is unique, and each situation is unique. Sort through and keep those pieces that feel useful to you, and don't you feel the least bit guilty about dropping those pieces that won't fit.
Firm Foundations.

If you don’t know what you’re doing or how, your child picks up on that.

Once you’ve made an inspired decision (usually around what boundaries you’re going to choose and how you’re going to enforce them), HOLD TO THAT BOUNDARY.

Giving in on your boundaries or being wishy-washy about them will communicate to your child that you cannot be trusted to hold to your word. If you ask your child to do something and they don’t listen the first time (like 95% of the children I know), follow through with it.

This doesn’t mean fighting every battle all of the time, but it does mean using inspiration to choose intentional battles that you are willing to fight, and then seeing them through.

EVERY TIME.

Be willing to spend time in time out, following through on consequences, and dealing with tantrums, of both the toddler and teenage variety.

They’re going to happen, and in fact, getting some push-back probably means you're doing things right.

Kids test boundaries, but it’s because they know intuitively that strong boundaries mean more security for them. Each time they push a boundary to find it reinforced results in strengthened trust in parents who keep their promises, even when those promises aren't enjoyable.
Respect.

If you don’t respect your child, don’t expect them to show much respect for you in return.

I don’t mean tiptoeing around them like they’re in charge (they’re really not) or allowing them to run roughshod around you. That's not respect, that's laziness or fear.

But I do mean that when enforcing boundaries (which sometimes feels like 90% of parenting), we can do so in a tone of respect, without getting emotional or disrespectful, even (especially) when our child is behaving emotionally and disrespectfully.

Boundaries are most powerfully defended and protected when done so in strength and respect, not in blustering or defensiveness. If a child chooses to be disrespectful, a simple boundary for the parent can be to ask them to return to their room until they can speak in a more respectful tone.

This sounds simple and really is, but it does NOT feel simple in the moment.

Be prepared to practice, and to even be bad at it for a while until it becomes more familiar.

Important to note: children hear the things we say about them, even to other adults.

When we are saying things like “Kids ruin everything” or “Kids are the woooooorst,” they hear that and genuinely believe it, even if we’re trying to be funny (this comes from a deeply personal experience that I wish I would have learned earlier).

Now, I’m all about having a sense of humor and recognizing the difficult aspects of parenting. We all need support, and finding others who can laugh about the silly, gross, difficult, and painful parts of parenting with us is immensely healing.

We can be humorous and authentic without being critical or disrespectful of those people we’re supposed to love the most.

Another important note about respect: If you have a spouse, do your best to speak respectfully of your spouse to and in front of your children, no matter how irritated or hurt you might be by their behaviors. It severely undermines a child’s perspective and security to hear their parent being talked to or about in a demeaning or critical manner, especially by the person who is supposed to be committed to and in love with them.

Parenting isn't easy. It wasn't designed to be--in fact, parenting is often the method through which God polishes us beyond anything else we would ever be willing to endure in order to become like Him.

Most parents I know speak of parenting as a truly transformative experience that changes us for good, helping us become ultimately stronger, more loving, more willing to sacrifice, more patient, and more of who we truly want to be.

Utilizing these principles will help it become even more so.

For more information and support, look up my course on 10 Principles of Happiness for an in-depth look at inspiration, respect, boundaries, and more.

Categories: : Emotional Health, Families, Life Coaching, Relationships