Invasive Fears

Wanna know one of my most irrational fears?

It’s an interesting thing, irrational fears.

So often, they run in the background without us being even aware of them-until they’re triggered.

One of my personal ones showed up yesterday in a big way as I was doing yard work.

I was walking through an area of my yard that doesn’t get mowed often-okay, well, ever-and I noticed, only after leaving the area, that I had been feeling tense.

My breath was coming faster, my chest felt tight, and I found myself picking my way extremely carefully through the weeds in that area of the yard as I was cleaning up clutter and getting tools needed for the project I was working on.

I didn’t even know I was feeling anxious until I recognized the physical manifestations, and I took a moment to ask myself what I was so scared of.

In case you're wondering what serious threat to my health and happiness could have created such a significant physical reaction, prepare to be let down.

I was scared of foxtails.

(photo credit Master Lawn-the foxtails in my yard were much more sinister-looking than these, I promise)

Yeah.

Those super-common grassy weeds that pop up in lawns and un-mown lots all over the place were creating a fear response that was costing me a great deal of energy and focus-but I had been trying to ignore it.

Once I recognized my fear response and asked myself what I was afraid of, it became easy to pinpoint where that fear had come from.

I still remember sitting, appalled but fascinated, in my family living room. One of my mother’s friends was describing, in great detail, and with the type of glee that can only come from the relating of a truly horrific tale, the dangers of foxtails. Her friend’s friend’s cousin’s hairdresser (or something like that) had once had a foxtail get embedded in between her toes that ended up traveling up into her bloodstream and creating all sorts of havoc.

I don’t remember the actual outcome she shared but in my childish mind at the time, the outcome was DEATH.

The story obviously made an impact on me and showed me that danger was lurking in even the most unlikely of places.

So, somewhere running in the background of my entire life, there has been a story that Foxtails=Death, and until yesterday, I didn’t even know it was there.

Isn’t our mind fascinating? It truly wants to protect us at all costs, and will do whatever it takes to hold onto any kind of information it believes will facilitate our survival.

Including, apparently, the belief that Foxtails = Death.

The problem with that story is, I want a nice-looking yard. And in order to have a nice-looking yard, it takes a great deal of time and energy spent outside where I am battling weeds and overgrowth-including foxtails.

So, when my mind is perceiving these weeds as threats to my safety and my survival, it’s expending a great deal of energy trying to keep track of precisely where these weeds are and how many there are and if they’re going to touch me or possibly end up caught in my socks or-gasp-even in between my toes.

Do you know how much energy it takes to be paying that much attention to a perceived threat-and how discouraging it gets to be completely worn out after only an hour of yard work?

No wonder I found myself avoiding going out in the yard!

However, the best part of this situation is that once I noticed the fear and gave it a name, then I could acknowledge, feel, and release the fear that my sweet little self had inadvertently picked up and held on to, thinking it would serve or save her someday.

Now, having put it back down, my backyard no longer feels on a subconscious level like a threatening place to be avoided, but rather one more in line with my higher self’s vision of it-a place to continue to enjoy, nurture, and transform into a place of connection, beauty, and joy.

This experience again illustrated how often those irrational fears can come up, and how invasive they can be.

Those times when my husband makes an innocent remark that immediately causes me to bristle-what fear is underlying my defensive response?

What story did I pick up at some point in my life that is causing me to look for the threat in his remark? And-just as importantly- what do I want to do with it now?

When I take the time to be aware-when I can recognize my triggers and see them as opportunities to put down the stories I’d picked up along the way-now THAT is truly satisfying work.

Almost as good as yard work.