Grief
Jewel Busch 
This was written weeks after my third child was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes.
The grief today is heavy and staring
I try to move past it, peering round
But the only way is through.
I cry.
A lot.
When someone asks “how are you?” And I try to answer “good” but the lie sticks in my throat and makes tears come to my eyes instead and the sobs burst forth
When driving in traffic but alone in my car and it’s just me and God and I just let the unfairness of it all come spewing out of me like infection
And He listens
Then I walk in the house and see the mounds of laundry (again?) and muddy footprints on the floor and I’m just too tired to yet again wipe off another counter of the sticky jam and crumbs left over from last night's low
And I just am so tired
My grief squeezes me
Bitter
Sour
Sitting heavy right near my solar plexus where if someone were to do the Heimlich on me
I worry it would never stop spewing out
The unfairness
The anxiety
The constant weight
Worry
Tears aren’t enough
Sleep isn’t enough
Food isn’t enough
But
God is.
He is enough
To hold my bitterness
My sadness
This gorgeous grief
That continuously carves through my soul a cavern
To be filled with joy
And it often is
The flicker of sunlight as my kids giggle on the trampoline
The richness of the green grass pushing back against the rainy sky
Rumbles of thunder as I gaze, unmoving, out the window
The touch of Steve’s hands as he greets me in the night each time I come back to bed after the weary work of battling blood sugars
A soft, warm blanket to hold on to as I cry in the night
It catches my tears generously, as if to promise that it will hold them for me when I no longer can
The beauty of breath:
Long, deep exhales to calm down
Bright, rich inhales to energize
God is in my breathing.
When I have no words or tears left
He is in my breath.
He holds me
Comforts me
Reassures me
Accepts my offering
My sacrifices
Given each moment
Each time I check my phone to see
Each time I send a text to approve a carb count
Or offer a juice box
Or call, keeping my voice steady to reassure the one on the other side
That
I’m on my way
It’s going to be okay.
Stalling sleep,
Because…
What if?
And then I remember.
Thanks given anyway
Praise given anyway
Breathe.
God is a God of Miracles
You know this, Reader.
I try to capture them, best as I can.
Even in the darkness