Blessings or Burdens?

How missing out on temple worship helped me see where I was weaponizing my covenants.

Temples can feel complicated to a lot of people.

Some people experience pure peace, love, and joy when they walk in those beautiful doors and crave to return often and regularly.

A second group of individuals might feel that temples represent some elitist mentality of some people who are considered "worthy" while others are not. They may also struggle to feel peace or enlightenment in their temple service or even lack a desire to receive a temple recommend of their own.

Still a third group might attend the temple regularly but have myriads of different experiences and feelings about and in their temple worship--both positive and negative.

I would probably consider myself in the third group of people.

I've always loved the symbolism, beauty, and sacrifice inherent in temples. My patriarchal blessing makes a point of speaking of my relationship with temples in striking language that is both repeated and pointed.

Some of those promises I have seen come to pass throughout my life, while others I look forward to (with a great deal of curiosity, I'll admit) seeing happen in the future.

That being said, I have had multiple experiences with temple attendance and worship that have left me feeling flat, discouraged, and frustrated.

I still recall my first time attending the temple after the birth of my fourth child. I was struggling with undiagnosed Postpartum Depression at the time and had gone through the rigamarole of finding a babysitter for my four young kiddos to try to claim some peace within the temple walls.

I showed up to do initiatories (a shorter ordinance that felt more doable than the longer worship service required for endowments to a nursing mother), and as I changed into my white temple dress, I noted that the pit in my stomach, band around my chest, and lump in my throat that had been present for the last month seemed to intensify rather than lessen, which I hadn't expected in a place that had always been safe for me before.

I went through the motions of the ordinances, praying desperately to find some peace, but instead fought unrelenting feelings and thoughts of despair, hopelessness, and unworthiness throughout the recitation of beautiful blessings and promises that had always strengthened and comforted me before.

I ended up having a panic attack in a bathroom stall after the ordinance finished, sobbing quietly into my hands and hoping no one could hear me (no one did).

I was terrified and discouraged as I walked out of the temple that day. I decided that I must have committed some unthinkable sin to feel so unworthy and dark in a place that should have felt welcoming to me and always had before.

Thankfully, I shared this experience with some trusted people, and this plus other symptoms led to me getting my PPD treated and resolved.

Because I had plenty of prior experiences to counteract this first significantly negative worship service, I was able to convince myself (not without some serious trepidation) to return and try again after some time had passed and I felt more prepared.

Since that day 8 years ago, I have had countless experiences in the temple where I have felt uplifted, encouraged, connected to God, and empowered through my covenants with Him.

I have also had several experiences in the temple where I simply felt exhausted, anxious, or disappointed that I wasn't receiving the answers or peace I sought.

This year, due to some significant opposition in my life, my regular temple attendance was interrupted for about four months.

As I struggled through some of the messiest months in my life, I made temple appointments on occasion but always ended up either cancelling them or missing them outright because I was just too stretched to add one more thing to my schedule or efforts.

I never felt chided or judged as I knelt in prayer before my Father in Heaven, but I also knew I could feel the power missing that I usually enjoyed from my regular temple attendance.

I felt a great deal of shame and self-judgment during this time, but I tried to recognize where that was coming from (opposition) and allow myself to work through it without assigning those feelings or thoughts to God or His church.

My first time back in the temple after this gap, I worried a little that I might feel some disappointment that it had been so long, or maybe some of my shame would follow me inside (as has happened in the past).

Instead, as I walked in those doors, I felt a huge sense of relief and even joy. It was as though I could feel my Savior welcoming me with open arms, letting me know that He had missed me and was glad I was back.

As I went through the various ordinances of the day, I could feel the power of the promises I had made--for myself and on behalf of others.

I was reminded once again that God is merciful and benevolent in nature. He never withholds blessings, but rather gives them to His children in abundance--all we have to do is reach out and claim them.

I had been looking at temple attendance and the keeping of my covenants, without being aware of it, as a burden.

Being welcomed back so freely and generously after even a short absence reminded me that God means for covenants to be a blessing unto each and every one of His children.

For each of the groups I mentioned in the beginning of this article, I want to acknowledge that your relationship with temple covenants, ordinances, and worship is as unique as you are.

For those in the first group who struggle with the idea of temple covenants, seeing them as a symbol of judgment, oppression, or unworthiness, I invite you to replace the word "worthy" in relation to temple service with the word "ready."

Temple service and covenant-making are advanced forms of relationship building with our Heavenly Father and Savior that require a standard of living to be able to appreciate and receive the full blessings of.

We want to be ready for our experiences in the temple, and if we're not, the opportunity and experience of worshipping in the temple can actually be spiritually harmful rather than uplifting or strengthening.

As I found in my own personal experience, although I had experienced temple readiness previously, due to the mental struggles I was going through (through no fault of my own, although I had a hard time accepting that truth at the time), I wasn't currently ready to be worshipping in the temple.

What keeps us from being completely ready can be issues of mental struggles (like it was for me), or habits of thinking or behavior that are showing us that we're not quite ready to be inside the temple just now. I promise that if you're part of this group, you have an entire team of angels and helpers (on both sides of the veil) who will tirelessly and enthusiastically give you every opportunity required for you to become ready.

Until then, continue to do what you can to strengthen your relationship with your Father in Heaven. Pray. Listen to the words of prophets found in scriptures and conference talks. If you're near a temple, sit on the grounds or in the parking lot and notice how you feel--and allow yourself to feel that way without judgment or assigning meaning to it. Follow the promptings of the Spirit and trust that they will eventually lead you to strengthened covenants with Him--and all of the power inherent in those commitments.

For the second group of people, those who cherish and appreciate the temple, craving the feelings of peace they receive, seek charity and patience for those around you who struggle to feel or understand your love for temples and temple covenants.

Understand that spiritual gifts of appreciation and love for the temple are unique blessings. Cherish those gifts for yourself, while still showing others who don't yet feel the way you do that there is nothing wrong with them. Resist the tendency to judge. Recognize that each child of God is at a different place in their development and experience than you are, and that He has the capacity to turn all experiences into sacred ones.

For those of us in the third group, I testify that every sacrifice of time and effort to get to the temple--even when it doesn't result in immediately spectacular experiences of peace and light--is observed and recorded in heaven. We receive power and connection from temple worship each and every time we go.

Our Father in Heaven is pleased with our efforts, and I know from personal experiences too numerous to relate here that as I continue to move forward in faith, even without the outcomes I wish for, I build mountains of testimony, peace, and power one grain of sand at a time. I know it will be the same for you.

When you do have those powerful peaceful or revelatory experiences in the temple, hold to those (make an effort to record or share them in some way) and trust that more will come.

No matter which group you feel you are part of (or whether you've experienced the sensations of each group or a unique combination of experiences placing you outside of these particular descriptions), I echo President Nelson's promise that as you serve and worship in the house of the Lord, you "can expect to receive answers to prayer, personal revelation, greater faith, strength, comfort, increased knowledge, and increased power. Time in the temple will help you to think celestial and to catch a vision of who you really are, who you can become, and the kind of life you can have forever. Regular temple worship will enhance the way you see yourself and how you fit into God's magnificent plan. I promise you that." (April 2024)

Whether you are a current temple recommend holder, hours away from the nearest temple, or a frequent flier at your local temple, I invite you to study and ponder about temple covenants. Ask your Heavenly Father what you can shift in your perspective to allow His covenant blessings to flow into your life without allowing them to inadvertently be seen as burdens.

When you do, you will be astounded by the miracles that flow into your life.

Categories: : Faith, Heavenly Father, Temples