Avoidant Much?

Due to some family stress factors coinciding with a record-breaking heatwave, our yard isn’t exactly thriving.

Yet another symptom of trauma I’m witnessing around my home is evident every time I look outside our window.

My yard, in which I spent the last three summers joyfully creating, weeding, and cultivating, has been looking crispier and crispier, and it has felt so overwhelming that I’ve stubbornly spent the last two weeks completely indoors, refusing to go outside except to feed the chickens.

I’ve been letting it spiral in my mind, telling myself that all of the work I had so lovingly and willingly put into this space was worthless and I just didn’t have it in me to resolve any of it.

But, knowing that I have people coming to visit soon, I decided today to step out into the backyard just for an hour to try to mitigate whatever damage I could.

It’s AMAZING how much better I feel after seeing my backyard lawn mowed with pulled weeds around the edges, and watered well enough that some of the green is coming back.

There still is a lot of work to do, no doubt about it.

BUT.

I’m finding that same joy and excitement in planning what I want to do about it again. While hiding from the issue it felt daunting to even try, but once I faced it, I felt a lot more positive about the whole situation than I did earlier this week when I was avoiding it.

How often do we do this in other areas of our lives?

I so often let my thoughts around certain issues spiral until I feel that the whole situation/relationship/effort is hopeless and pointless.

But when I turn to face it head on, somehow I come away feeling more empowered-SO LONG as I keep a few basic principles in mind.

1: Focus on progress, not perfection. At one point, I was digging through a part of the yard that had been immensely overrun by weeds when we moved in. I’d gotten the grass growing there last year, but as I was working in that same area, I noticed different weeds had overtaken it this summer.

I initially felt a great deal of shame, beating myself up for not taking good enough care of this yard that I really do love-when the thought came to my mind, “Well, at least these weeds don’t have those awful bullheads we had before!”

Magically, with that thought, I realized how far I still was ahead of where the yard had been. Sure, the lawn wasn’t anywhere close to velvety, but at least it no longer makes my kids’ feet bleed when they try to walk through it!

Be willing to look for progress in whatever place you can find it (in relationships, career, personal health), and your beautiful mind will see that as evidence that it is worth the effort to keep trying, after all.

As Elder Jeffrey R. Holland puts it, "I would hope we could pursue personal improvement in a way that doesn't include getting ulcers or anorexia, feeling depressed or demolishing our self-esteem. That is not what the Lord wants for Primary children or anyone else who honestly sings, 'I'm trying to be like Jesus'" ("Be Ye Therefore Perfect-Eventually," Oct. 2017).

2: Set small goals to start out.

This morning, I knew (from bitter experience) that if I expected to complete the massive projects I wanted to in my yard, demanding my kids to work alongside me until it was done, I’d end up exhausted, frustrated, with a trashed house and scared kids.

So instead, I set a boundary for myself and for the kids. We would work for one hour. Every time they stopped to take a break (or disappeared where I could no longer see them), I’d pause the timer-or add on time.

It wasn’t long before I got into a rhythm of working and found plenty of satisfying changes to make, and by the time the 2 1/2 hours were up (my kiddos took a lot of breaks), I felt immensely pleased with what had been accomplished, along with a great deal of direction on what to focus on next.

What feels doable to you in an area you’ve been avoiding?

For example, if there’s a difficult conversation you’re feeling hesitant about, what if you approached it by committing to just talk about one aspect of the issue, rather than trying to hash it all out? Maybe even do what I did and set a timer.

Giving your brain permission to see an end of what it’s fearing can make it more attainable. As Alma taught, "by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise" (Alma 37:6).

3. Just start.
My original plan this morning was to wake up at 6:00, do my morning routine, and then get everyone out in the yard by 8:00 so it wouldn’t be too hot when we started working.

…I slept in.

A lot.

In other circumstances, I have let that stop me from doing what I’d wanted to do. The situation was no longer what I’d planned for, so it would throw me.

Today, we rolled with it anyway, and managed to get a lot done after all, despite Mom loving the snooze button a little too much.

At some point, we have to just get over the excuses and go out there anyway.

When curveballs come your way, try asking yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen if I did it anyway?"

When the Brother of Jared was faced with a literal ocean to cross, not sure how to cross with access to light and air in watertight barges the Lord had given him, he prayed and asked for help to solve the problems of light and air (Ether 2:18-19).

The Lord gave him clear direction on how to solve the problem of the air, and "The Brother of Jared did so, according as the Lord had commanded" (vs. 21).

He still had no idea how to solve the problem of the darkness. In fact, he worried and asked God, "Wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?" (vs. 22).

This is when God allowed the Brother of Jared to do his own problem-solving. He was inspired with what wouldn't work--windows or fire--and a little glimpse about what the journey would look and feel like. But ultimately, God asked him: "What will ye that I should prepare for you?" (vs. 25).

We have no idea how long it took for the Brother of Jared to come up with his chosen solution--sixteen small stones, molten out of a rock, that he asked the Lord to touch--but we know that he felt that maybe it wasn't a good enough solution. In fact, he asked the Lord not to be angry with his weakness in what he thought was apparently a lacking effort (Ether 3:1-2).

And the Lord, in His goodness and mercy, touched the stones and made them more than what they were.

When we move forward in faith, even in weakness and imperfection, miracles can happen.

I’ve found that these three principles: focusing on progress instead of perfection, setting small goals, and just starting, can help with anything I’m willing to face, whether it be overwhelming yard work, conversations that feel daunting to approach, or working on healing from trauma.

Every time I allow myself to utilize these principles, I find that God blesses my efforts and I am empowered beyond what I had previously imagined possible.

Categories: : Emotional Health, Grief, Trauma